Unemployed Writer

QUESTION:

I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.

ANSWER:

Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,

Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?

You probably suck.

So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.

No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.

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