Conservative Parents

QUESTION:

My girlfriend and i are both bleeding heart liberals. Her parents are pretty damn conservative though and she generally doesnt bring up politics with them so no one gets riled up. Shes asked me to visit them for a weekend but i dont know if i can keep my mouth shut while her father goes on another rant about how the gays and mexicans are ruining this country.

I know my girlfriends parents are pretty much in the dark about her pro-abortion, anti gun stances but am i obliged to be complicit in this lie for the sake of keeping the peace?

ANSWER

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

When's the last time you got laid?

I'm just asking because this seems like the kind of angsty question that only arises from a couple months of pent-up jizz.

But seriously. You can't keep your big yap shut for 2 days with the potential in-laws? Do you not realize that in this great country of ours, we can hold whatever views we choose? And that to get along, we all have to do a little bit of lying (your word)? And that it doesn't mean you're denying your beliefs? It's just called "being polite"?

If her father goes on a rant about gays and Mexicans, throw some old-school sexism at him. "Now, let's not talk politics in front of the delicate ladies" should do it.

Obama Is My Boyfriend,
Fancy Advice Blog

Pubic Option

I'm in my 40s and my boyfriend is in his 30s. We haven't been seeing each other all that long, but he's asked me if I wouldn't mind getting rid of my pubes. I don't have any real objection to it, but is he pushing the hairy envelope by telling me what to do with my body?

ANSWER:

Dear Old Growth Forest,

Your Southern Yeti is yours to do with as you please. Why not ask him to bleach his trouser pelt blond and braid it into cornrows because you can only reach orgasm if you pretend his wiener is a scarecrow? You're both adults and someone your age shouldn't be putting up with these selfish demands, unless you stand on the delicate precipice of infertility in which case DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO BRING THE CHILD TO TERM.

After clearing your mound like a napalmed Vietnamese jungle what if he asks you to go in for botox, lipo, rogaine? Don't give ground to this youngster- if you feel sexy the way you are then that's just as important if not more than what turns him on.

Actually, what if he's asking you to do it because you're really gross down there... you should probably just do it.

Slash and burn,
Fancy Advice Blog

Lonely Dude

Question:

Whats the deal with girls? All the girls i know complain all day about how they cant find a guy and how they want a boyfriend and everything. I'm not a bad looking guy, i have a job, and i just want a pretty girl to spend time with. So why that every time i try to talk to a girl she shuts me down? Are girls really just shallow?

I dont even get A date or email or nothin. My firends are all the same way- why are girls bitching about not having men when good guys like me and my buddies are out there and wanna take them out?

ANSWER:

Dear Will Probably Die Alone,

If girls are shutting you down, it means there's something hugely wrong with you. Because girls know everything. The good news is you can figure out what your problem is, and fix it. Then you will meet a girl who looks like Jasmine from "Aladdin" and you'll live happily ever after in your awesome Taj Mahalesque palace.

Unfortunately, I can't help you figure out what's wrong with you, unless you send me a video of you jerkin' it.

Marry Me,
Fancy Advice Blog

Is It Love?

QUESTION:

how can you know if you're really in love?

ANSWER:

Dear Lovelorn,

Here's how to tell if you're in love:

1. Write to an anonymous, low-level online advice columnist
2. Whatever advice columnist says, is true.

Unfortunately, the answer this time is, NO. No, you're not in love. See how easy that was? I just picked one and went with it.

If He's Your Teacher He Doesn't Really Love You Anyway,
Fancy Advice Blog

Asian Hottie

QUESTION:

I'm a cute Asian-American girl in New York City. I get attention from boys, mostly non-asian guys, actually. No problem with that, I've dated guys of many different races. The only thing is that there's always some small (or sometimes not so small) part of me that wonders if their attraction to me is mostly about my race.

I understand that people are attracted to what they're attracted to, no judgement, but it still feels icky when a guy says he has a "thing" for asians. Is it pandering? Is it racist? Am I being unfairly exoticized (I grew up in Jersey!)? Am I being overly paranoid about sexually submissive/dragon lady stereotypes? Can I ask a guy directly if that's why he likes me? Does it matter?

ANSWER:

Dear Dragon Lady,

Stop complaining.

You are a "cute Asian American girl in New York City." Aside from the fact that you're from New Jersey, YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST EFFING GIRL IN THE WORLD. Guys will always like you. Clothes will always fit you. Your hair will never get frizzy, no matter how humid it is. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how good you have it.

Hatin' Ya,
Fancy Advice Blog

Bloody Boyfriend

QUESTION:

I've been with my boyfriend almost two years. We spend tons of time together and it's pretty safe to say the mystery is disappearing fast. Morning breath, unshaven legs and beer farts are totally passe now. The only thing that remains absolutely verboten is any and all references to menstruation. He just can't deal. Like, literally putting his hands over his ears and clamping his eyes shut level of denial.

If my ladyhamper is giving me cramps because of the Curse, I want to be able to bitch about it without him running away like a scared child. How can I get him to love my Snugness Rugness all year round, even during a True Blood Marathon?

ANSWER:

Dear Obviously Pre-Menstrual Lady,

This is tricky.

Some boyfriends are oddly comfortable with periods and will put their disco stick inside your ladyhole even when blood is pouring out of it. Other boyfriends are like yours. You should go find the other kind.

You Can't Change A Man (TM)

Love & Tampons,
Fancy Advice Blog