A-Hole

QUESTION:

what's with the tone? you sound like an a-hole.

ANSWER:

Dear Weren't You My Waiter One Time?,

Yes.  Yes, I sound like an a-hole.  But what would you have me sound like?  Have you seen the awful, maddening questions people send in?  What am I supposed to do, wipe their asses and send them to the Cheer Hut to watch Scooby Doo?  No, friend, these people need some Major A-hole pointed in their general direction.

But this brings up an interesting point.  Who am I, the a-hole telling you how to live your life?  Well, truthfully, there are two of us.  One of us is more of an a-hole than the other.  But we both agree that a-holery is the only way to run an advice column.  Particularly one that is supposed to be Fancy.

I suppose it would be unfair of us to not leave you with some a-holeness of your very own, after all this discussion of a-holes.  So here it goes:

Dude.  Why you gotta go around calling people a-holes?  You realize it's an a-holey thing to do?  And what has it gotten you in life, other than no friends and an overdue Netflix bill?  (See, I referred to an overdue Netflix bill as a way to indicate that you have neither a social life nor money.  Aren't I an a-hole for implying that?)

You should try asking people why they're so AWESOME.  Then maybe someone other than your angry laundromat lady will talk to you.

Be Happy,

Fancy Advice Blog

Pretty Boi

QUESTION: 

Ok, I'm an adorable 26 year old gay guy, and I just went to a website which offers its visitors the chance to find their celebrity doppelganger. Unfortunately, after uploading a front-facing, glasses-free picture of my handsome mug, the results yielded only FEMALE matches! Do I really look like Michelle Rodriguez? I live in a trashy neighborhood and have been considering getting involved in a knife fight. Maybe some youngster would slash my face and add a touch of masculine scar tissue to my pretty face. Thoughts? Please help! 

ANSWER: 

Dear Pantywaist Peter Pan,

"Sometimes I worry that I'm, like, TOO pretty. Like, maybe I should get knocked around a bit so, like, all the haterz will stop drinking the Haterade™ and the Hate Fructose Corn Syrup levels in my self-centered orbit will return to acceptable levels. Myspace!"

That's what you sound like. Go ahead, get your "handsome mug" ass torn up, so we can all learn the previously undiscovered value of loving yourself just the way you are.

Or try shaving your head and growing a beard. If the surging popularity of Butt Magazine and Pin Ups has taught us anything, it's that postbear is the new gym bunny in the gay community, so let the halcyon hirsute days roll.

Too pretty for jail,

Fancy Advice Blog

PS- Michelle Rodriguez bagged Olivier Martinez, so maybe looking like her ain't such a bad thing.