QUESTION:
What's the appropriate protocol for when you see your friend in a play and the play totally sucks but your actor friend seems to think it's good? I mean, he was okay in it but the script was horseshit. I could be honest if he didn't think it was all a brilliant masterpiece.
ANSWER:
Dear Sir,
This is an interesting topic, indeed. But really, what's the big deal? So your friend liked the play. You didn't. You wouldn't feel morally conflicted if he loved a band that you hated, would you? So shrug it off. You're not obligated to agree with him, nor to convince him that he's wrong.
But you're friends, so try find something you can be positive about. You said he was an okay actor, right? If nothing else, tell him you're proud of him for following his dream! YOU BELIEVE IN DREAMS DONT YOU?!?!? DONT BE A DREAMKILLER YOU DREAMKILLER
Love,
Fancy Advice Blog
P.S. what if the play is brilliant and you're just stupid? ever think of that??
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Facebook Relative
QUESTION:
So my 12 year old niece has a Facebook profile and she's sent me a friend request. Should I accept it? There are a lot of dick jokes and photos of me getting drunk on my wall. My sister (her mother) says it will be good for her to friend some "trustworthy adults".
ANSWER:
Dear Dick Jokes,
How old are you? How long have you been on Facebook? Don't realize you can create a modified profile for certain friends?
That's exactly what you should do. Block out all photos (other than your profile pic, and keep it clean), wall posts, and other nasty stuff. Hopefully there's some content left, otherwise I'm frightened for the quality of your life.
The real dilemma is going to be when you see all the crazy inappropriateness in your niece's profile. Do you tell her mom about the naked pictures from the Middle School Dance?, is going to be the real question.
Sext Me,
Fancy Advice Blog
So my 12 year old niece has a Facebook profile and she's sent me a friend request. Should I accept it? There are a lot of dick jokes and photos of me getting drunk on my wall. My sister (her mother) says it will be good for her to friend some "trustworthy adults".
ANSWER:
Dear Dick Jokes,
How old are you? How long have you been on Facebook? Don't realize you can create a modified profile for certain friends?
That's exactly what you should do. Block out all photos (other than your profile pic, and keep it clean), wall posts, and other nasty stuff. Hopefully there's some content left, otherwise I'm frightened for the quality of your life.
The real dilemma is going to be when you see all the crazy inappropriateness in your niece's profile. Do you tell her mom about the naked pictures from the Middle School Dance?, is going to be the real question.
Sext Me,
Fancy Advice Blog
Lonely Dude
Question:
Whats the deal with girls? All the girls i know complain all day about how they cant find a guy and how they want a boyfriend and everything. I'm not a bad looking guy, i have a job, and i just want a pretty girl to spend time with. So why that every time i try to talk to a girl she shuts me down? Are girls really just shallow?
I dont even get A date or email or nothin. My firends are all the same way- why are girls bitching about not having men when good guys like me and my buddies are out there and wanna take them out?
ANSWER:
Dear Will Probably Die Alone,
If girls are shutting you down, it means there's something hugely wrong with you. Because girls know everything. The good news is you can figure out what your problem is, and fix it. Then you will meet a girl who looks like Jasmine from "Aladdin" and you'll live happily ever after in your awesome Taj Mahalesque palace.
Unfortunately, I can't help you figure out what's wrong with you, unless you send me a video of you jerkin' it.
Marry Me,
Fancy Advice Blog
Whats the deal with girls? All the girls i know complain all day about how they cant find a guy and how they want a boyfriend and everything. I'm not a bad looking guy, i have a job, and i just want a pretty girl to spend time with. So why that every time i try to talk to a girl she shuts me down? Are girls really just shallow?
I dont even get A date or email or nothin. My firends are all the same way- why are girls bitching about not having men when good guys like me and my buddies are out there and wanna take them out?
ANSWER:
Dear Will Probably Die Alone,
If girls are shutting you down, it means there's something hugely wrong with you. Because girls know everything. The good news is you can figure out what your problem is, and fix it. Then you will meet a girl who looks like Jasmine from "Aladdin" and you'll live happily ever after in your awesome Taj Mahalesque palace.
Unfortunately, I can't help you figure out what's wrong with you, unless you send me a video of you jerkin' it.
Marry Me,
Fancy Advice Blog
Monday, March 29, 2010
Unemployed Writer
QUESTION:
I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.
ANSWER:
Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,
Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?
You probably suck.
So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.
No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.
Welcome to Earf,
Fancy Advice Blog
I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.
ANSWER:
Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,
Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?
You probably suck.
So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.
No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.
Welcome to Earf,
Fancy Advice Blog
Technophobe
QUESTION:
I work in an office setting featuring a hefty share of coworkers on the verge of retirement. These colleagues, although equipped with company laptops and blackberries, are complete Luddites. When one coworker in particular is in the office, I am interrupted no fewer than four to five times a day with lame requests to "delete a row in a table," to "change the font size," or to "burn a CD."
I love this woman to pieces, as she's always adorably kind and sweet about her requests, but I am beginning to resent the constant interruptions as she doesn't seem to be willing to learn how to do any of these things for herself. I love her, but I am tired of being bothered! Should I tell her how I feel or should I just wait for her to retire?
ANSWER:
Dear Worker Bee,
Ah, the continuing conflict between the Old Folks and the Young'uns in the workplace. Tale as old as time, as Mrs. Potts would say.
Realistically, there's no chance in hell that this lovely lady on the verge of retirement is going to learn "Computers" anytime soon. You, being a young kid, find technology easy and harmless. But to this woman, every keystroke spells confusion and potential disaster. She might get a "virus"! No wonder she asks for your help instead of forging through the wilderness herself.
Next time she calls upon your expertise, I recommend doing one of two things:
1. Tell her you're too busy, but she should ask that new young assistant in another department, he's GREAT with computers!!!!!!
2. Write out detailed instructions and tape them to her cubicle wall so she can be a Big Girl and do it herself.
Get Back to Work,
Fancy Advice Blog
I work in an office setting featuring a hefty share of coworkers on the verge of retirement. These colleagues, although equipped with company laptops and blackberries, are complete Luddites. When one coworker in particular is in the office, I am interrupted no fewer than four to five times a day with lame requests to "delete a row in a table," to "change the font size," or to "burn a CD."
I love this woman to pieces, as she's always adorably kind and sweet about her requests, but I am beginning to resent the constant interruptions as she doesn't seem to be willing to learn how to do any of these things for herself. I love her, but I am tired of being bothered! Should I tell her how I feel or should I just wait for her to retire?
ANSWER:
Dear Worker Bee,
Ah, the continuing conflict between the Old Folks and the Young'uns in the workplace. Tale as old as time, as Mrs. Potts would say.
Realistically, there's no chance in hell that this lovely lady on the verge of retirement is going to learn "Computers" anytime soon. You, being a young kid, find technology easy and harmless. But to this woman, every keystroke spells confusion and potential disaster. She might get a "virus"! No wonder she asks for your help instead of forging through the wilderness herself.
Next time she calls upon your expertise, I recommend doing one of two things:
1. Tell her you're too busy, but she should ask that new young assistant in another department, he's GREAT with computers!!!!!!
2. Write out detailed instructions and tape them to her cubicle wall so she can be a Big Girl and do it herself.
Get Back to Work,
Fancy Advice Blog
Is It Love?
QUESTION:
how can you know if you're really in love?
ANSWER:
Dear Lovelorn,
Here's how to tell if you're in love:
1. Write to an anonymous, low-level online advice columnist
2. Whatever advice columnist says, is true.
Unfortunately, the answer this time is, NO. No, you're not in love. See how easy that was? I just picked one and went with it.
If He's Your Teacher He Doesn't Really Love You Anyway,
Fancy Advice Blog
how can you know if you're really in love?
ANSWER:
Dear Lovelorn,
Here's how to tell if you're in love:
1. Write to an anonymous, low-level online advice columnist
2. Whatever advice columnist says, is true.
Unfortunately, the answer this time is, NO. No, you're not in love. See how easy that was? I just picked one and went with it.
If He's Your Teacher He Doesn't Really Love You Anyway,
Fancy Advice Blog
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Pervy Landlord
QUESTION:
I think my landlord comes into my apartment when I'm at work and goes through my clothes (I'm a twentysomething girl). I've noticed a few things out of place every so often.
How can I trap or confront this potential pantyhuffer without being strangled and dismembered in the basement? The apartment is rent stabilized and two blocks from the train so moving isn't an option.
ANSWER:
Dear Idiot,
"This apartment has heat and hot water so moving out to avoid my murderer-landlord isn't an option." What the FUCK. If he is coming in your apartment, that's ILLEGAL and BAD and you will probably get killed.
jesus christ why are people such asstards.
Get a Nanny-cam, aim it at your pantydrawer, then run like hell to the police if you catch your Crotchlord doing anything untoward.
You're going to die,
Fancy Advice Blog
P.S. Also, stop paying your rent! If he is evil and you catch him, they'll never make you pay!
P.P.S. If you're a "twentysomething," you shouldn't be calling yourself a "girl." You're a WOMAN! Own it! Weirdo.
I think my landlord comes into my apartment when I'm at work and goes through my clothes (I'm a twentysomething girl). I've noticed a few things out of place every so often.
How can I trap or confront this potential pantyhuffer without being strangled and dismembered in the basement? The apartment is rent stabilized and two blocks from the train so moving isn't an option.
ANSWER:
Dear Idiot,
"This apartment has heat and hot water so moving out to avoid my murderer-landlord isn't an option." What the FUCK. If he is coming in your apartment, that's ILLEGAL and BAD and you will probably get killed.
jesus christ why are people such asstards.
Get a Nanny-cam, aim it at your pantydrawer, then run like hell to the police if you catch your Crotchlord doing anything untoward.
You're going to die,
Fancy Advice Blog
P.S. Also, stop paying your rent! If he is evil and you catch him, they'll never make you pay!
P.P.S. If you're a "twentysomething," you shouldn't be calling yourself a "girl." You're a WOMAN! Own it! Weirdo.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Baby Daddy
QUESTION:
My best friend found out he's gonna be a dad. Good for him, whatever. His wife is gonna pop any minute now and it's ALL baby talk ALL the time.
I've tried to change topics or playfully call him out on his one-track mind but he just gets this superior attitude and tells me I "wouldn't understand" because having a baby "changes EVERYTHING." Can I de-friend him now?
ANSWER:
Dear Sir,
So your friend has gone from uber bro-haus to Papa Bjorn. It happens. If you can't stand being around him in his Daddy Whirlwind, I suggest you put him on the friendship back burner for a while. Once the baby is born, he will hate his life, and come crawling back to you with a 6-pack of Bud Light Lime and the director's cut of The Hangover.
Have My Baby,
Fancy Advice Blog
My best friend found out he's gonna be a dad. Good for him, whatever. His wife is gonna pop any minute now and it's ALL baby talk ALL the time.
I've tried to change topics or playfully call him out on his one-track mind but he just gets this superior attitude and tells me I "wouldn't understand" because having a baby "changes EVERYTHING." Can I de-friend him now?
ANSWER:
Dear Sir,
So your friend has gone from uber bro-haus to Papa Bjorn. It happens. If you can't stand being around him in his Daddy Whirlwind, I suggest you put him on the friendship back burner for a while. Once the baby is born, he will hate his life, and come crawling back to you with a 6-pack of Bud Light Lime and the director's cut of The Hangover.
Have My Baby,
Fancy Advice Blog
Friday, March 26, 2010
Asian Hottie
QUESTION:
I'm a cute Asian-American girl in New York City. I get attention from boys, mostly non-asian guys, actually. No problem with that, I've dated guys of many different races. The only thing is that there's always some small (or sometimes not so small) part of me that wonders if their attraction to me is mostly about my race.
I understand that people are attracted to what they're attracted to, no judgement, but it still feels icky when a guy says he has a "thing" for asians. Is it pandering? Is it racist? Am I being unfairly exoticized (I grew up in Jersey!)? Am I being overly paranoid about sexually submissive/dragon lady stereotypes? Can I ask a guy directly if that's why he likes me? Does it matter?
ANSWER:
Dear Dragon Lady,
Stop complaining.
You are a "cute Asian American girl in New York City." Aside from the fact that you're from New Jersey, YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST EFFING GIRL IN THE WORLD. Guys will always like you. Clothes will always fit you. Your hair will never get frizzy, no matter how humid it is. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how good you have it.
Hatin' Ya,
Fancy Advice Blog
I'm a cute Asian-American girl in New York City. I get attention from boys, mostly non-asian guys, actually. No problem with that, I've dated guys of many different races. The only thing is that there's always some small (or sometimes not so small) part of me that wonders if their attraction to me is mostly about my race.
I understand that people are attracted to what they're attracted to, no judgement, but it still feels icky when a guy says he has a "thing" for asians. Is it pandering? Is it racist? Am I being unfairly exoticized (I grew up in Jersey!)? Am I being overly paranoid about sexually submissive/dragon lady stereotypes? Can I ask a guy directly if that's why he likes me? Does it matter?
ANSWER:
Dear Dragon Lady,
Stop complaining.
You are a "cute Asian American girl in New York City." Aside from the fact that you're from New Jersey, YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST EFFING GIRL IN THE WORLD. Guys will always like you. Clothes will always fit you. Your hair will never get frizzy, no matter how humid it is. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how good you have it.
Hatin' Ya,
Fancy Advice Blog
Chatty Co-worker
QUESTION:
I have a coworker who sits near me that I'm not interested in being friendly with. She hasn't really said or done anything inappropriate or HR-worthy, she just insists on making small talk EVERY time I cross her path, which is all the time.
I've tried downplaying interest, pretending to be too busy, and even just ignoring her but she won't stop! I don't have time to hear about what TV shows she watched last night, I've got blogs to read, and now my blood just boils when she greets me with a chirpy "HI!" every morning. What do I do?
ANSWER:
Dear Weaksauce,
Are you a guy or a gal? Or a PUSSY?
Grow some balls already and tell this chatty lady to back the eff off. Passive aggressive headphone-wearing and half-hearted "oh heys" will not get the point across to this Friendly Fanny. You need to take her in the supply closet and give her a Tape Dispenser of Back Off, Bitch.
Or fight fire with fire. Talk her ear off until she hates your effing guts.
Love and kisses,
Fancy Advice Blog
I have a coworker who sits near me that I'm not interested in being friendly with. She hasn't really said or done anything inappropriate or HR-worthy, she just insists on making small talk EVERY time I cross her path, which is all the time.
I've tried downplaying interest, pretending to be too busy, and even just ignoring her but she won't stop! I don't have time to hear about what TV shows she watched last night, I've got blogs to read, and now my blood just boils when she greets me with a chirpy "HI!" every morning. What do I do?
ANSWER:
Dear Weaksauce,
Are you a guy or a gal? Or a PUSSY?
Grow some balls already and tell this chatty lady to back the eff off. Passive aggressive headphone-wearing and half-hearted "oh heys" will not get the point across to this Friendly Fanny. You need to take her in the supply closet and give her a Tape Dispenser of Back Off, Bitch.
Or fight fire with fire. Talk her ear off until she hates your effing guts.
Love and kisses,
Fancy Advice Blog
Bloody Boyfriend
QUESTION:
I've been with my boyfriend almost two years. We spend tons of time together and it's pretty safe to say the mystery is disappearing fast. Morning breath, unshaven legs and beer farts are totally passe now. The only thing that remains absolutely verboten is any and all references to menstruation. He just can't deal. Like, literally putting his hands over his ears and clamping his eyes shut level of denial.
If my ladyhamper is giving me cramps because of the Curse, I want to be able to bitch about it without him running away like a scared child. How can I get him to love my Snugness Rugness all year round, even during a True Blood Marathon?
ANSWER:
Dear Obviously Pre-Menstrual Lady,
This is tricky.
Some boyfriends are oddly comfortable with periods and will put their disco stick inside your ladyhole even when blood is pouring out of it. Other boyfriends are like yours. You should go find the other kind.
You Can't Change A Man (TM)
Love & Tampons,
Fancy Advice Blog
I've been with my boyfriend almost two years. We spend tons of time together and it's pretty safe to say the mystery is disappearing fast. Morning breath, unshaven legs and beer farts are totally passe now. The only thing that remains absolutely verboten is any and all references to menstruation. He just can't deal. Like, literally putting his hands over his ears and clamping his eyes shut level of denial.
If my ladyhamper is giving me cramps because of the Curse, I want to be able to bitch about it without him running away like a scared child. How can I get him to love my Snugness Rugness all year round, even during a True Blood Marathon?
ANSWER:
Dear Obviously Pre-Menstrual Lady,
This is tricky.
Some boyfriends are oddly comfortable with periods and will put their disco stick inside your ladyhole even when blood is pouring out of it. Other boyfriends are like yours. You should go find the other kind.
You Can't Change A Man (TM)
Love & Tampons,
Fancy Advice Blog
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