QUESTION:
Help! I love orange soda. Its delicious pep and explosion of caffeine make for the perfect pick-me-up in a horrendously boring corporate office environment. I try not to have it more than once a week, but when I do, I worry that people may be judging me. It is, after all, slightly juvenile to be drinking fluorescent orange soda pop... do I give up the guilty pleasure?
ANSWER:
Dear Spray Tan,
Look, just because something's orange doesn't mean it's bad. Just ask Snooki and all her friends on "Jersey Shore." They're ADORABLE!
I'm a firm believer in Doing What You Want To Do As Long As You Ain't Hurtin' Nobody. If you really believe your co-workers are judging you based on your weekly beverage of choice, well, wow. I feel sorry for them. You could be drinking Nyquil mixed with crushed Celexa, and who are they to judge? This is AMERICA, DAMMIT.
If you insist on being a self-conscious ninny about it, there's an easy fix. Pour your soda in a black coffee mug and no one will ever know the difference.
Drink Up,
Fancy Advice Blog
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Unemployed Writer
QUESTION:
I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.
ANSWER:
Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,
Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?
You probably suck.
So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.
No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.
Welcome to Earf,
Fancy Advice Blog
I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.
ANSWER:
Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,
Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?
You probably suck.
So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.
No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.
Welcome to Earf,
Fancy Advice Blog
Technophobe
QUESTION:
I work in an office setting featuring a hefty share of coworkers on the verge of retirement. These colleagues, although equipped with company laptops and blackberries, are complete Luddites. When one coworker in particular is in the office, I am interrupted no fewer than four to five times a day with lame requests to "delete a row in a table," to "change the font size," or to "burn a CD."
I love this woman to pieces, as she's always adorably kind and sweet about her requests, but I am beginning to resent the constant interruptions as she doesn't seem to be willing to learn how to do any of these things for herself. I love her, but I am tired of being bothered! Should I tell her how I feel or should I just wait for her to retire?
ANSWER:
Dear Worker Bee,
Ah, the continuing conflict between the Old Folks and the Young'uns in the workplace. Tale as old as time, as Mrs. Potts would say.
Realistically, there's no chance in hell that this lovely lady on the verge of retirement is going to learn "Computers" anytime soon. You, being a young kid, find technology easy and harmless. But to this woman, every keystroke spells confusion and potential disaster. She might get a "virus"! No wonder she asks for your help instead of forging through the wilderness herself.
Next time she calls upon your expertise, I recommend doing one of two things:
1. Tell her you're too busy, but she should ask that new young assistant in another department, he's GREAT with computers!!!!!!
2. Write out detailed instructions and tape them to her cubicle wall so she can be a Big Girl and do it herself.
Get Back to Work,
Fancy Advice Blog
I work in an office setting featuring a hefty share of coworkers on the verge of retirement. These colleagues, although equipped with company laptops and blackberries, are complete Luddites. When one coworker in particular is in the office, I am interrupted no fewer than four to five times a day with lame requests to "delete a row in a table," to "change the font size," or to "burn a CD."
I love this woman to pieces, as she's always adorably kind and sweet about her requests, but I am beginning to resent the constant interruptions as she doesn't seem to be willing to learn how to do any of these things for herself. I love her, but I am tired of being bothered! Should I tell her how I feel or should I just wait for her to retire?
ANSWER:
Dear Worker Bee,
Ah, the continuing conflict between the Old Folks and the Young'uns in the workplace. Tale as old as time, as Mrs. Potts would say.
Realistically, there's no chance in hell that this lovely lady on the verge of retirement is going to learn "Computers" anytime soon. You, being a young kid, find technology easy and harmless. But to this woman, every keystroke spells confusion and potential disaster. She might get a "virus"! No wonder she asks for your help instead of forging through the wilderness herself.
Next time she calls upon your expertise, I recommend doing one of two things:
1. Tell her you're too busy, but she should ask that new young assistant in another department, he's GREAT with computers!!!!!!
2. Write out detailed instructions and tape them to her cubicle wall so she can be a Big Girl and do it herself.
Get Back to Work,
Fancy Advice Blog
Friday, March 26, 2010
Chatty Co-worker
QUESTION:
I have a coworker who sits near me that I'm not interested in being friendly with. She hasn't really said or done anything inappropriate or HR-worthy, she just insists on making small talk EVERY time I cross her path, which is all the time.
I've tried downplaying interest, pretending to be too busy, and even just ignoring her but she won't stop! I don't have time to hear about what TV shows she watched last night, I've got blogs to read, and now my blood just boils when she greets me with a chirpy "HI!" every morning. What do I do?
ANSWER:
Dear Weaksauce,
Are you a guy or a gal? Or a PUSSY?
Grow some balls already and tell this chatty lady to back the eff off. Passive aggressive headphone-wearing and half-hearted "oh heys" will not get the point across to this Friendly Fanny. You need to take her in the supply closet and give her a Tape Dispenser of Back Off, Bitch.
Or fight fire with fire. Talk her ear off until she hates your effing guts.
Love and kisses,
Fancy Advice Blog
I have a coworker who sits near me that I'm not interested in being friendly with. She hasn't really said or done anything inappropriate or HR-worthy, she just insists on making small talk EVERY time I cross her path, which is all the time.
I've tried downplaying interest, pretending to be too busy, and even just ignoring her but she won't stop! I don't have time to hear about what TV shows she watched last night, I've got blogs to read, and now my blood just boils when she greets me with a chirpy "HI!" every morning. What do I do?
ANSWER:
Dear Weaksauce,
Are you a guy or a gal? Or a PUSSY?
Grow some balls already and tell this chatty lady to back the eff off. Passive aggressive headphone-wearing and half-hearted "oh heys" will not get the point across to this Friendly Fanny. You need to take her in the supply closet and give her a Tape Dispenser of Back Off, Bitch.
Or fight fire with fire. Talk her ear off until she hates your effing guts.
Love and kisses,
Fancy Advice Blog
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