A-Hole

QUESTION:

what's with the tone? you sound like an a-hole.

ANSWER:

Dear Weren't You My Waiter One Time?,

Yes.  Yes, I sound like an a-hole.  But what would you have me sound like?  Have you seen the awful, maddening questions people send in?  What am I supposed to do, wipe their asses and send them to the Cheer Hut to watch Scooby Doo?  No, friend, these people need some Major A-hole pointed in their general direction.

But this brings up an interesting point.  Who am I, the a-hole telling you how to live your life?  Well, truthfully, there are two of us.  One of us is more of an a-hole than the other.  But we both agree that a-holery is the only way to run an advice column.  Particularly one that is supposed to be Fancy.

I suppose it would be unfair of us to not leave you with some a-holeness of your very own, after all this discussion of a-holes.  So here it goes:

Dude.  Why you gotta go around calling people a-holes?  You realize it's an a-holey thing to do?  And what has it gotten you in life, other than no friends and an overdue Netflix bill?  (See, I referred to an overdue Netflix bill as a way to indicate that you have neither a social life nor money.  Aren't I an a-hole for implying that?)

You should try asking people why they're so AWESOME.  Then maybe someone other than your angry laundromat lady will talk to you.

Be Happy,

Fancy Advice Blog

Worst Man

QUESTION:

My friend is getting married and I'm the best man, so it's my job to throw him a bachelor party. The bride is being a real pain about it and says that absolutely under no circumstances are we to have a stripper. My friend the groom agrees to this because he's already whipped but I know that off the record he doesn't think having a girlie show would be such a big deal.

I mean, we're not talking hookers here, just some burlesque bouncing boobs. All of his friends think it would be good clean American fun, and that wifey is being a total ballbuster here. Can we just do it anyway? He ain't married yet.

ANSWER:

Dear Jerk,

Ah, I love questions that start with "My friend." "My friend likes this girl," "My friend has a rash," "My friend, I am a Nigerian prince in need of assistance." It indicates, my friend, that you are either lying or sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

So, in your infinite Best Man wisdom, you think you can override both the bride-to-be AND the groom on this? Why do you care so hard? You sound desperate to give your best friend the Stripper Experience he never asked for. Seems to me like you and "all of his friends" just want an excuse to acquire some hawt Mammary Memories. And saying you "know" he wants some stripper action isn't the same as him telling you he wants it.

Please, Best Man, why not try to have a bachelor party that everyone can enjoy? Cow tipping, fly fishing, K-Mart shoplifting?

Can't Believe Gays Still Can't Get Married,

Fancy Advice Blog

Pretty Boi

QUESTION: 

Ok, I'm an adorable 26 year old gay guy, and I just went to a website which offers its visitors the chance to find their celebrity doppelganger. Unfortunately, after uploading a front-facing, glasses-free picture of my handsome mug, the results yielded only FEMALE matches! Do I really look like Michelle Rodriguez? I live in a trashy neighborhood and have been considering getting involved in a knife fight. Maybe some youngster would slash my face and add a touch of masculine scar tissue to my pretty face. Thoughts? Please help! 

ANSWER: 

Dear Pantywaist Peter Pan,

"Sometimes I worry that I'm, like, TOO pretty. Like, maybe I should get knocked around a bit so, like, all the haterz will stop drinking the Haterade™ and the Hate Fructose Corn Syrup levels in my self-centered orbit will return to acceptable levels. Myspace!"

That's what you sound like. Go ahead, get your "handsome mug" ass torn up, so we can all learn the previously undiscovered value of loving yourself just the way you are.

Or try shaving your head and growing a beard. If the surging popularity of Butt Magazine and Pin Ups has taught us anything, it's that postbear is the new gym bunny in the gay community, so let the halcyon hirsute days roll.

Too pretty for jail,

Fancy Advice Blog

PS- Michelle Rodriguez bagged Olivier Martinez, so maybe looking like her ain't such a bad thing.

Ass Breath

QUESTION:

how do i tell a friend his breath stinks without hurting his feelings?

ANSWER:

How do you tell a person that his lack of capital letters stinks without hurting his feelings?

You can't.

But enough about you and your lack of writing skill. How well do you know this guy, anyway?

1. Is he a really good friend? A hilarious "Dude, your breath stinks like week-old tampon!" should start him to thinking.

2. Is he just a casual friend? Politely offer him a breath mint or some gum.

3. Is he a homeless guy that you say hi to on your way to work? You should probably take off your Judgy Pants and realize that this guy has an old stick for a toothbrush.

Smell My Feet,
Fancy Advice Blog

Conservative Parents

QUESTION:

My girlfriend and i are both bleeding heart liberals. Her parents are pretty damn conservative though and she generally doesnt bring up politics with them so no one gets riled up. Shes asked me to visit them for a weekend but i dont know if i can keep my mouth shut while her father goes on another rant about how the gays and mexicans are ruining this country.

I know my girlfriends parents are pretty much in the dark about her pro-abortion, anti gun stances but am i obliged to be complicit in this lie for the sake of keeping the peace?

ANSWER

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

When's the last time you got laid?

I'm just asking because this seems like the kind of angsty question that only arises from a couple months of pent-up jizz.

But seriously. You can't keep your big yap shut for 2 days with the potential in-laws? Do you not realize that in this great country of ours, we can hold whatever views we choose? And that to get along, we all have to do a little bit of lying (your word)? And that it doesn't mean you're denying your beliefs? It's just called "being polite"?

If her father goes on a rant about gays and Mexicans, throw some old-school sexism at him. "Now, let's not talk politics in front of the delicate ladies" should do it.

Obama Is My Boyfriend,
Fancy Advice Blog

Pubic Option

I'm in my 40s and my boyfriend is in his 30s. We haven't been seeing each other all that long, but he's asked me if I wouldn't mind getting rid of my pubes. I don't have any real objection to it, but is he pushing the hairy envelope by telling me what to do with my body?

ANSWER:

Dear Old Growth Forest,

Your Southern Yeti is yours to do with as you please. Why not ask him to bleach his trouser pelt blond and braid it into cornrows because you can only reach orgasm if you pretend his wiener is a scarecrow? You're both adults and someone your age shouldn't be putting up with these selfish demands, unless you stand on the delicate precipice of infertility in which case DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO BRING THE CHILD TO TERM.

After clearing your mound like a napalmed Vietnamese jungle what if he asks you to go in for botox, lipo, rogaine? Don't give ground to this youngster- if you feel sexy the way you are then that's just as important if not more than what turns him on.

Actually, what if he's asking you to do it because you're really gross down there... you should probably just do it.

Slash and burn,
Fancy Advice Blog

Orange Soda

QUESTION:

Help! I love orange soda. Its delicious pep and explosion of caffeine make for the perfect pick-me-up in a horrendously boring corporate office environment. I try not to have it more than once a week, but when I do, I worry that people may be judging me. It is, after all, slightly juvenile to be drinking fluorescent orange soda pop... do I give up the guilty pleasure?

ANSWER:

Dear Spray Tan,

Look, just because something's orange doesn't mean it's bad. Just ask Snooki and all her friends on "Jersey Shore." They're ADORABLE!

I'm a firm believer in Doing What You Want To Do As Long As You Ain't Hurtin' Nobody. If you really believe your co-workers are judging you based on your weekly beverage of choice, well, wow. I feel sorry for them. You could be drinking Nyquil mixed with crushed Celexa, and who are they to judge? This is AMERICA, DAMMIT.

If you insist on being a self-conscious ninny about it, there's an easy fix. Pour your soda in a black coffee mug and no one will ever know the difference.

Drink Up,
Fancy Advice Blog

Terrible Play

QUESTION:

What's the appropriate protocol for when you see your friend in a play and the play totally sucks but your actor friend seems to think it's good? I mean, he was okay in it but the script was horseshit. I could be honest if he didn't think it was all a brilliant masterpiece.

ANSWER:

Dear Sir,

This is an interesting topic, indeed. But really, what's the big deal? So your friend liked the play. You didn't. You wouldn't feel morally conflicted if he loved a band that you hated, would you? So shrug it off. You're not obligated to agree with him, nor to convince him that he's wrong.

But you're friends, so try find something you can be positive about. You said he was an okay actor, right? If nothing else, tell him you're proud of him for following his dream! YOU BELIEVE IN DREAMS DONT YOU?!?!? DONT BE A DREAMKILLER YOU DREAMKILLER

Love,
Fancy Advice Blog

P.S. what if the play is brilliant and you're just stupid? ever think of that??

Facebook Relative

QUESTION:

So my 12 year old niece has a Facebook profile and she's sent me a friend request. Should I accept it? There are a lot of dick jokes and photos of me getting drunk on my wall. My sister (her mother) says it will be good for her to friend some "trustworthy adults".

ANSWER:

Dear Dick Jokes,

How old are you? How long have you been on Facebook? Don't realize you can create a modified profile for certain friends?

That's exactly what you should do. Block out all photos (other than your profile pic, and keep it clean), wall posts, and other nasty stuff. Hopefully there's some content left, otherwise I'm frightened for the quality of your life.

The real dilemma is going to be when you see all the crazy inappropriateness in your niece's profile. Do you tell her mom about the naked pictures from the Middle School Dance?, is going to be the real question.

Sext Me,
Fancy Advice Blog

Lonely Dude

Question:

Whats the deal with girls? All the girls i know complain all day about how they cant find a guy and how they want a boyfriend and everything. I'm not a bad looking guy, i have a job, and i just want a pretty girl to spend time with. So why that every time i try to talk to a girl she shuts me down? Are girls really just shallow?

I dont even get A date or email or nothin. My firends are all the same way- why are girls bitching about not having men when good guys like me and my buddies are out there and wanna take them out?

ANSWER:

Dear Will Probably Die Alone,

If girls are shutting you down, it means there's something hugely wrong with you. Because girls know everything. The good news is you can figure out what your problem is, and fix it. Then you will meet a girl who looks like Jasmine from "Aladdin" and you'll live happily ever after in your awesome Taj Mahalesque palace.

Unfortunately, I can't help you figure out what's wrong with you, unless you send me a video of you jerkin' it.

Marry Me,
Fancy Advice Blog

Unemployed Writer

QUESTION:

I've been trying to be a screenwriter since I was in college, and now I'm 35. I haven't had a real job in a long time (I do some freelancing and work part time, sometimes). I'm getting the feeling that it might be time to stop chasing the dream, but I can't imagine what else to do with my life. Please help.

ANSWER:

Dear Emotionally Stunted Hack,

Look. We all think we have a vital and revelatory narrative within us that will inspire humanity to see beyond the surface of that awkward guy/plain jane shell that people on okcupid can't seem to see past. But you know what?

You probably suck.

So drop it. Stop making your friends read your shit. Everyone knows that people only call themselves "writers" because they want to be able to get laid and then chase their one night stands out into the street with a fireplace poker under the free pass of "artistic temperament." You're 35 with no real job; "screenwriter" is just the fancy name you've given alcoholism.

No one wants to read your whiny screenplay about an "early 30s" character Coming to Grips With Shit, anyway. What if someone mashed up Gladiator with Independence Day, in 3D??? Now THAT would be worth my $19.

Welcome to Earf,
Fancy Advice Blog

Technophobe

QUESTION:

I work in an office setting featuring a hefty share of coworkers on the verge of retirement. These colleagues, although equipped with company laptops and blackberries, are complete Luddites. When one coworker in particular is in the office, I am interrupted no fewer than four to five times a day with lame requests to "delete a row in a table," to "change the font size," or to "burn a CD."

I love this woman to pieces, as she's always adorably kind and sweet about her requests, but I am beginning to resent the constant interruptions as she doesn't seem to be willing to learn how to do any of these things for herself. I love her, but I am tired of being bothered! Should I tell her how I feel or should I just wait for her to retire?

ANSWER:

Dear Worker Bee,

Ah, the continuing conflict between the Old Folks and the Young'uns in the workplace. Tale as old as time, as Mrs. Potts would say.

Realistically, there's no chance in hell that this lovely lady on the verge of retirement is going to learn "Computers" anytime soon. You, being a young kid, find technology easy and harmless. But to this woman, every keystroke spells confusion and potential disaster. She might get a "virus"! No wonder she asks for your help instead of forging through the wilderness herself.

Next time she calls upon your expertise, I recommend doing one of two things:

1. Tell her you're too busy, but she should ask that new young assistant in another department, he's GREAT with computers!!!!!!

2. Write out detailed instructions and tape them to her cubicle wall so she can be a Big Girl and do it herself.

Get Back to Work,
Fancy Advice Blog

Is It Love?

QUESTION:

how can you know if you're really in love?

ANSWER:

Dear Lovelorn,

Here's how to tell if you're in love:

1. Write to an anonymous, low-level online advice columnist
2. Whatever advice columnist says, is true.

Unfortunately, the answer this time is, NO. No, you're not in love. See how easy that was? I just picked one and went with it.

If He's Your Teacher He Doesn't Really Love You Anyway,
Fancy Advice Blog

Pervy Landlord

QUESTION:

I think my landlord comes into my apartment when I'm at work and goes through my clothes (I'm a twentysomething girl). I've noticed a few things out of place every so often.

How can I trap or confront this potential pantyhuffer without being strangled and dismembered in the basement? The apartment is rent stabilized and two blocks from the train so moving isn't an option.

ANSWER:

Dear Idiot,

"This apartment has heat and hot water so moving out to avoid my murderer-landlord isn't an option." What the FUCK. If he is coming in your apartment, that's ILLEGAL and BAD and you will probably get killed.

jesus christ why are people such asstards.

Get a Nanny-cam, aim it at your pantydrawer, then run like hell to the police if you catch your Crotchlord doing anything untoward.

You're going to die,
Fancy Advice Blog

P.S. Also, stop paying your rent! If he is evil and you catch him, they'll never make you pay!

P.P.S. If you're a "twentysomething," you shouldn't be calling yourself a "girl." You're a WOMAN! Own it! Weirdo.

Baby Daddy

QUESTION:

My best friend found out he's gonna be a dad. Good for him, whatever. His wife is gonna pop any minute now and it's ALL baby talk ALL the time.

I've tried to change topics or playfully call him out on his one-track mind but he just gets this superior attitude and tells me I "wouldn't understand" because having a baby "changes EVERYTHING." Can I de-friend him now?

ANSWER:

Dear Sir,

So your friend has gone from uber bro-haus to Papa Bjorn. It happens. If you can't stand being around him in his Daddy Whirlwind, I suggest you put him on the friendship back burner for a while. Once the baby is born, he will hate his life, and come crawling back to you with a 6-pack of Bud Light Lime and the director's cut of The Hangover.

Have My Baby,
Fancy Advice Blog

Asian Hottie

QUESTION:

I'm a cute Asian-American girl in New York City. I get attention from boys, mostly non-asian guys, actually. No problem with that, I've dated guys of many different races. The only thing is that there's always some small (or sometimes not so small) part of me that wonders if their attraction to me is mostly about my race.

I understand that people are attracted to what they're attracted to, no judgement, but it still feels icky when a guy says he has a "thing" for asians. Is it pandering? Is it racist? Am I being unfairly exoticized (I grew up in Jersey!)? Am I being overly paranoid about sexually submissive/dragon lady stereotypes? Can I ask a guy directly if that's why he likes me? Does it matter?

ANSWER:

Dear Dragon Lady,

Stop complaining.

You are a "cute Asian American girl in New York City." Aside from the fact that you're from New Jersey, YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST EFFING GIRL IN THE WORLD. Guys will always like you. Clothes will always fit you. Your hair will never get frizzy, no matter how humid it is. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how good you have it.

Hatin' Ya,
Fancy Advice Blog

Chatty Co-worker

QUESTION:

I have a coworker who sits near me that I'm not interested in being friendly with. She hasn't really said or done anything inappropriate or HR-worthy, she just insists on making small talk EVERY time I cross her path, which is all the time.

I've tried downplaying interest, pretending to be too busy, and even just ignoring her but she won't stop! I don't have time to hear about what TV shows she watched last night, I've got blogs to read, and now my blood just boils when she greets me with a chirpy "HI!" every morning. What do I do?

ANSWER:

Dear Weaksauce,

Are you a guy or a gal? Or a PUSSY?

Grow some balls already and tell this chatty lady to back the eff off. Passive aggressive headphone-wearing and half-hearted "oh heys" will not get the point across to this Friendly Fanny. You need to take her in the supply closet and give her a Tape Dispenser of Back Off, Bitch.

Or fight fire with fire. Talk her ear off until she hates your effing guts.

Love and kisses,
Fancy Advice Blog

Bloody Boyfriend

QUESTION:

I've been with my boyfriend almost two years. We spend tons of time together and it's pretty safe to say the mystery is disappearing fast. Morning breath, unshaven legs and beer farts are totally passe now. The only thing that remains absolutely verboten is any and all references to menstruation. He just can't deal. Like, literally putting his hands over his ears and clamping his eyes shut level of denial.

If my ladyhamper is giving me cramps because of the Curse, I want to be able to bitch about it without him running away like a scared child. How can I get him to love my Snugness Rugness all year round, even during a True Blood Marathon?

ANSWER:

Dear Obviously Pre-Menstrual Lady,

This is tricky.

Some boyfriends are oddly comfortable with periods and will put their disco stick inside your ladyhole even when blood is pouring out of it. Other boyfriends are like yours. You should go find the other kind.

You Can't Change A Man (TM)

Love & Tampons,
Fancy Advice Blog